Spring Break Travel Tips

I'm on spring break now, and I know many of you are or will be soon as well. So in case you're going to be flying anywhere exotic and exciting, like San Francisco (like myself), Cancun*, or your parents house, here's the rundown on things you can and can't bring on an airplane. To see for yourself, visit the TSA's website.

First, you're probably wondering about this liquids thing. As you probably are aware, you can't just bring any liquid on an airplane anymore. Any liquids or gels you bring from your home, with a few exceptions, must be in bottles no larger than three ounces, and all those bottles must be inside a quart sized plastic zipper bag. However, you can bring prescription or over the counter medications in larger quantities, but they must be declared at the check-in counter. So make sure you accurately state how many bottles of KY jelly you are bringing to Cancun.

Remember, you can't bring knives in your carry on bag, or on your person. Please do not forget to leave your sushi knife in your checked luggage. However, you are now allowed to bring some personal items like nail clippers and files, safety razors, and the like. Also, you may bring screwdrivers, wrenches, and other tools under 7 inches. Also, you wine aficionados will be glad to know that you can bring your corkscrew. Of course you'll have to leave all your wine in your checked luggage.

Of course it goes without saying that you may not bring gel shoe inserts. The only imaginable reason you might want to do that is to blow up the plane like Richard Reid. However ladies, don't worry, you are allowed to wear your gel bras or bring them in your carry-on, so that you will be able to attract all the finest frat boys at the bars.

In case you were wondering, explosives and flammables are not allowed at all. Also, anything that shoots some sort of projectile, including firearms, bb guns, and bows and arrows are not allowed in your carry on. However, you may bring aeresol cosmetic products in bottles smaller than three ounces in your quart sized plastic zipper bag.

Finally, you may not bring any martial-arts or personal defense type weapons. However, you may bring a walking cane. Because obviously you are much more likely to use the liquid gel shoe inserts you use for your back problems as a weapon than your cane.

I hope after reading this you fully understand the TSA's regulations on items you can and can't bring on planes. If you are found to be in violation of the law and declared an enemy combatant though, don't worry, I hear Guantanamo Bay Cuba is quite nice this time of year. It's no Cancun, but at least the government will be footing the bill, and you get to stay as long as you the government wants.


*It's that US enclave city inside Mexico. They have lots of cool stuff, like Mexicans, Moctezuma's revenge, booze, blonde blue-eyed white hotties, Wal-Mart, McDonalds, and STDs.